Forget the pizza man
by Fantony
Summary: Set just after Castiel saying "I might kill myself" in 8x08. "The slap seemed to come out of nowhere and tasted of anger and of fear against Castiel's cheek". My take at that scene Sam unfortunately interrupted. Destiel. Season 8 spoilers.


**Plot:** **_Set just after Castiel saying "I might kill myself" in 8x08. "The slap seemed to come out of nowhere and tasted of anger and fear against Castiel's _****_cheek". My take at that scene interrupted by Sam! Destiel. Season 8 spoilers. _**

_(The pizza man 's obviously an allusion to the porn movie Castiel is watching in 6x10 "Caged heat"!) _

_'_**I dedicate this one-shot to my husband who died at 34 in hospital last August, three weeks after his 10th suicide attempt, leaving me alone with our little boy. Whatever the rain and the clouds, no one should ever take their own life, because the sun's always hidden somewhere. Never let go…**

**RIP Tony…**

**_Please keep in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes__ ;) _**

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**FORGET THE PIZZA MAN**

The slap seemed to come out of nowhere and tasted of anger and of fear against Castiel's cheek.

It didn't hurt of course, not physically at least, but the angel had clearly not expected such a reaction. He brought his hand to his cheek, just to make sure it'd really happened.

It took Dean several seconds to realize what he had just done. He glanced at his hand, then at Castiel. The angel's deep blue eyes used to be a shelter for Dean. Whenever he was scared, whenever he lost faith, all he needed was to look into those eyes, into that deep quiet sea, and he knew someone believed in him, trusted him, and would always be there for him. But now there was an endless storm over the sea, Castiel's eyes were filled with fear, and doubt, and guilt. He was the one who needed a shelter from the rain now.

Dean stood up and walked to the window, trying to contain his anger. He could not accept the words he had just heard. Together, they had gone through so many things, from Heaven civil war to Purgatory. And now Castiel wanted to "let go"? What the hell had happened to his faith? To his determination? The idea of losing Cas to archangels, Lucifer or Leviathans had already been insufferable, but losing him that way was just inacceptable.

"Don't ever say that again, you hear me?!" Dean snapped.

"Dean…"

"And sorry for the slap, I didn't mean to-"

"It's alright. I deserved it," the angel cut him off in a sad and resigned voice.

"Stop being such a drama queen, Cas!" Dean yelled as he turned to face Castiel. "Yes, you made mistakes. So what? You have to accept that even _you_ aren't perfect."

Castiel let out a long sigh.

"You have no idea of what I've done to Heaven."

"True. But I know what guilt tastes like, believe me. I know what it's like when your guilt exerts all its weight on your shoulders and you feel like you soon won't be able to breathe anymore. I know what it's like when everything seems to remind you of your faults and that it makes you feel so bad you think you shouldn't be allowed to live anymore. All those… things I did in Hell… All those times I failed in my promise to protect Sam…" Dean scoffed. "I even failed you…"

Castiel tilted his head both in compassion and disapproval.

"Look, Dean, I told you… It wasn't your fault. I deliberately chose to stay in Purgatory."

"Exactly! You _chose_ not to follow me. You _chose_ to part with me. And now you're talking about killing yourself? About leaving me again?! Awesome! So my father and Bobby are dead, my own brother didn't even try to get me out of Purgatory and I fell in love with a stupid depressive angel who wants to play Kurt Cobain! And I don't even inspire him to stay and fight against his own demons? So tell me Cas, why is it everyone I care for ends up abandoning me, dammit?!"

Cas didn't speak. Cas didn't move. He just stared at Dean with a dumb expression on his face, looking as though he had just met Medusa's gaze and turned to stone.

"What?" Dean asked, not even trying to hide his annoyance.

"Dean, you're… _in love with me_?…" Castiel mumbled.

Dean opened his mouth to say something then closed it and pursed his lips, unable to form any word.

"Hey, got something," Sam said as he entered the room.

Silence greeted him and he could tell by the face of his companions that something wasn't quite right.

"Have I interrupted something?" he asked, frowning.

Castiel and Dean exchanged looks and shook their head. Not convinced at all, Sam raised an inquisitive brow.

"You sure you two are good?"

"Yes" escaped Castiel's mouth at the same time as "No" escaped Dean's.

Sam's eyes widened in confusion.

"Err, ok, I don't know what's wrong with you but I think I'll just leave you on your own and keep investigating the town."

"No, stay here and Cas and I will talk outside. Need to get some air anyway, spent too much time on the computer."

Dean and Castiel often had little private talks lately and Sam felt left out. But that was the way it was, Castiel had already mentioned it, he shares with Dean a "more profound bond" and Sam had to accept his brother had his inner sanctum. He had his own too, after all. He nodded and smiled at them.

"What I said earlier," Dean started once they were outside, "it was just a way of speaking, you know?"

"It doesn't matter…" Cas said, trying to hide his disappointment. Anyway, it was too late. He had decided to give himself away to Dean and there was no way back. "But let me just set one thing straight…"

Dean frowned but listened.

"Yes, I _chose_ not to follow you out of Purgatory," Castiel went on, "but I didn't _abandon_ you. I wanted to do penance, Dean. I really did. I wanted to suffer for all those horrible things I did that are haunting me night and day. And what worse punishment could there be than to live without you? I missed you. Every single minute spent there. You never, ever left my thoughts. I even wanted to surrender to Leviathans so that they could put an end to my agony. You told me to rebel. You told me I didn't need my Father. You told me I didn't need anyone. You were wrong. I need _you_. I need you because I…" he paused and looked away in embarrassment, "I'm such a mess without you, Dean."

Dean's heart felt like it was beating out of his chest. No one, not even Sam, ever made him feel so special. He had to focus on something. Anything. Because if he looked at Cas right now, he would only break down. Without thinking, he grabbed Castiel's tie. That offending garment that never failed to drive him insane. How many times did he have to fix it? How many times did his heart skip a beat because he was so close to Castiel while doing so?

"When will you learn to straighten that damn thing, huh?" he asked nervously, his hands shaking a little as he tightened the knot, trying his best to avoid those damned ocean eyes. He suddenly felt a hand on his and froze.

"Dean… I'm not sure I can be as good as the pizza man, but maybe it's worth a try…"

Dean laughed. A sincere and hearty laugh like he hadn't had in ages.

"Forget the pizza man," he said as he tugged on the angel's tie to pull his lips close to his, "I'm sure I can teach you a thing or two…"

Their mouths met in a kiss that seemed to wipe everything away. The pain and the doubts, the guilt and the despair. Castiel's first moves were both clumsy and adorable, but they soon became more and more eager. He held Dean so tight it looked as though he'd never let him go, as if he had waited for this moment for a thousand years and would never want it to stop.

Dean didn't want it to stop either. He didn't remember having ever felt so good in his entire life. Castiel's lips were soft and warm. They were the sweetest pie he ever tasted and he would never get enough of it.

After years of denial or things left unsaid, Dean, who hadn't known any home but the Impala since 1983 and Castiel who had nowhere to go, finally found their home. Love…

Glancing at his watch, Sam sighed. He was quite eager to share what he had found about the case. He stood up and lifted the curtain up to look outside and see what his brother and his angel friend were up to. He had to look twice to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. He then smiled at the intertwined silhouettes and shook his head as he went back to his laptop.

"About time…" he whispered.

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_**Thanks for your time! Feel free to review! **_

**Published on December.6 2012**


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